My horses, Molly and Durango, are the most amazing creatures. The love we have for each other is incredible. I was feeling pretty terrible earlier but now I'm feeling better. Being around them is healing and calming. I feel like we're connected on some deeper level than you can connect with other humans... it's spectacular. I cannot wait to have this outside my house on a daily basis.
My husband went to Europe on Sunday and of course our children all came down with a bad cold so they were unable to attend their charter this week. I did, however, email their teacher and get their Spanish words and phrases to practice so they would be prepared when they go back next week. Other than that, because they're sick, they've been sleeping in each morning. It's after 8 for the second day and all are still asleep, or are just waking up (I literally heard the first noise from downstairs a moment ago).
I'm feeling overwhelmed in the lonely. I know that sounds funny but when my husband leaves, he takes away my adult world. I don't have talk to my siblings often enough, mostly due to the fact that I was not raised with them and, in fact, my baby sister didn't even know I existed until she was 15 years old. I am 11 years older than her and she had no idea I existed for years but I knew about her from the moment she was born. I don't have parents. The only parent I ever had died almost a decade ago (next month). He was the only person who loved me the way a parent is supposed to love their child. My mother was an abusive alcoholic junkie and I was told by the police I am never allowed to see or talk to her again, freeing me from the turmoil that was being her daughter. My biological father didn't even tell my sister I existed so that's how close we are.
And I miss my friends... all of them. From all around the world. I miss the connection I had to people in other places, people who didn't consider me an outsider because they were outsiders too... I miss that connection... that love. My friends were and are so very important to me, but I haven't really made a new one in my time here so far. Too busy being a parent to my kids and then... no one wants to befriend someone moving an hour and a half away from them. I'm tired of trying to make friends. So many false faces out there, it's hard to know who to trust and I have a bad habit of giving everyone the benefit of the doubt...
And before someone is like "whatever, girl has everything," don't get me wrong. I'm complaining, yes, but I also recognize that my life could be worse. It's just a bit lonely and difficult at the moment.
Closing for the dream house has been pushed back until September 19th now, which puts it at about a week before hubs comes home. It works out alright but I have to admit, the stress isn't fun. I just want to get it over with so we can get this move over with so I can start our "real" life.
I am also in a bit of a funk due to lack of book sales. It seems my book has had no interest in a week and as it's only six weeks old, it's not a promising sign.
Other than that, I don't know... I hope to get some more writing done. The BETA readers have the first chapter and I have a self-imposed deadline on Friday to meet, plus the Farrier (the horse hoof trimmer) comes tomorrow).
Anyways, that's all for now. Hope you all have a good Tuesday. Lots of love.
It's been a busy few days, which is the new normal, I suppose. My children seem completely oblivious to the amount of stress I'm under and honestly, that's the worst part of all of this: trying to remain even keeled in my parenting and my approach to life for their sakes. I, of course, wish they realized their fighting is making things worse, but, alas, they're kids and brothers and sisters fight like kids do.
Things are on track for the house and I was relieved to learn I do not need a building permit for my horse's shelter. I am really anxious about all of it though because money will be super tight until next spring. I am just hoping we make it through without too much turmoil, since it is the biggest life change I'll ever make... living somewhere forever.
I've never moved somewhere with the intention of never leaving before. I've always considered everywhere temporary. "Who cares if they don't like me? I'm leaving in a year..." is a thought I've had more than once and in more than one state/province/country. This is different. Every first impression is important and scary. I know they won't all like me, they won't all want to include me but I will be honest and say that I am really afraid of the judgement from the civilian American world because most have never left their state, let alone country and I am this outsider. I've always been an outsider. I want to belong. Is that so shameful to say? I just want to have what it seems everyone else has had: a community, a family, a home. I want my kids to have that too.
In the latest writing news, I am excited to say that my first author interview dropped yesterday (which I regret not posting about but to be honest, I forgot in the hubbub of my current chaos). Check it out here.
Other than that, just watching Keanu Reeves in John Wick for the first time and honestly, I get the appeal. He's badass in this series. I had to skip over the dog killing scene but the rest of the premise I dig.
Well, lots of love.
However, I finished writing the first draft of the first chapter and I have to say, I'm really diggin' the premise. It'll be really fun to write Descend and I'm really looking forward to writing the rest of the first draft at the new house. The mountains will definitely inspire the impressive Kingdom of Hell and the Shadow Realm... It's already been fun to describe my version of this extraordinary place.
Other that that, back at the homeschool routine while I pack up our house. I've packed away most of my clothes and most of the younger two's. The Dynamic Duo are having a hard time with the concept of moving again but ... okay... so...
Our neighbors across the street are pretty awful parents to their three boys and also refuse to let their kids play with mine, despite the fact they literally slept til the mid-afternoon last Saturday and the kids got along fine in front of the houses for 3-4 hours. I even gave them snacks and water because they were hungry and afraid to go in their house. Once the parents woke, I heard the mother screaming at the boys and their cries. I don't know what I should do, because I know they broke her rules but I also am highly suspicious of someone like that, as an abused kid myself. (If you have any advice, feel free to comment because right now I'm going to call CPS once we move so I can avoid any possible confrontations and also make sure those boys are fine. As of right now I see them every day and they seem okay, but they clearly want to play with my kids. So yea, advice would be great.)
Update on my Dream house (which if you follow me on twitter, you've seen photos of), the closing has been pushed back to the 17th and we're expecting them to pull some last minute shady shit that will force us to push it back further, but that kind of works out well for me. I am super excited about getting the house but also super stressed about having to sign for it while my husband is in another country.
Anyways, I am so tired and stressed out so it's causing me to be in a bit of a mental-funk but I will endure because I always do. Just wish the psychiatric professional I had entrusted to continue my established care had actually done so rather than assume she knew best after I have spent 26 years in therapy on-and-off (I'll eventually write a fictional story based on my life but I'm pretty sure it'll be a while before I get there).
Alrighty... well, hope you all have a great Wednesday! Lots of Love!