Last year was one of the hardest years of my life, and I've had some pretty terrible ones before... This one took a lot from me. When it comes to loss, I thought I was an expert in coping... Then this year hit my hard in the chest and reminded me, I'm not as grown as I thought.
On Valentine's Day 2021, I woke up to my horse dead in her stall after fighting for her to fight colic and live. Between the two vet visits in consecutive days, hundreds put to saving her, she didn't make it through the night. It was one of the roughest mornings because I've never lost a horse before. The horse I rode as a child is still alive and well in British Columbia.
Then Memorial Day came and my mother lost her battles with covid and the ravages of addiction. She died alone and with regrets, but there is no changing what is. She was never much of a mother to me (abusive in every way I can think of), and as her only child I was given the burden of cleaning up the mess she made of her life and her home. It was a hoarder's nightmare: two semi truck dumpsters with over four tonnes of trash didn't get rid of it all. I have to go back in March to finish and pack the rest of the things I actually want to ship to Colorado.
To conclude this shitty ass year, 2021 was the year I had to put down my oldest and most beloved dog, Liberty. She was such a loving and protective animal, but unfortunately her old age was making her aggressive and four attacks in a year against our other dog, ending with the final one causing 1500 in vet bills for our passive dog... I know I didn't have a choice, but I still feel like a monster for agreeing that the only course of action left was to put her down. Ten years of love was more than she'd have gotten if I hadn't. When I took her in, she was a fear biter and aggressive, but then she learnt to trust and love us and became our sweetie. It broke us to lose her.
The only thing that made it bearable was that a month before, my best friend came for a visit... and he brought me an Olde English Bulldog puppy to help me with my (apparently very obvious) depression. I think seeing him helped me more, but she's the best gift I've ever been given... loving and sweet, wonderful, well behaved and as cute as she is dumb. I am taking her with me on my road trip to New York in March, so I won't be alone this time.
And that's the kicker... I am alone too much. I can't open up to people because everything I say seems exaggerated and I swear I downplay so much because the thing I hate most is pity, but you can't build deep friendships if they only know the surface of you... Few will ever know about the hurt and pain, neglect and abuse, I endured, and even if they know, they don't really know. It's always so much worse than I can say. ... And yes I'm aware I need to go back to therapy, but I can't. I'm not ready.
Last year I struggled with focus and depression so much that after I finished writing GRAVESEND, I just couldn't put my mind to work. I'm still struggling to edit the fourth book, but I started small today with a blog and a journal entry. Sometimes just a little is enough because it's more than none. I am determined to have GRAVESEND out by summer and CONTEND written by the end of the year. I am deeply sorry for the delay, but I will always prioritize my family and mental health over anything else. I do look forward to sharing the adventure the twins go on in a few months! Again, I am truly sorry for the delay.
I hope your 2022 is good. I hope you accomplish your goals and I hope you find peace. It's what we all need now.
Leia Marie Gose