It occurs to me that without treating my anxiety as a serious health concern, I never would have written, finished, published Ascend. It's incredible to me that taking that small step and forcing myself to treat my anxeity with medication has led to the amazing, wonderful accomplishment of publishing my first novel. It's true what they say... Baby steps work.
I go see a psychiatric nurse on Wednesday to ensure my continued treatment but it should be simple enough. I just have a lot of anxiety when it comes to medical care and finding doctors and nurses that don't judge me for my dyed red hair or my tattoos. It's rarer these days that such things designate my position in care. Now it's just my gender and the stereotype that women's pain must be ten times worse than men's to get basic treatment is true at times.
My anxiety is not taken seriously by some medical "professionals" and it has caused me to face years of unrelenting terror inside despite all rational thought. Positive thoughts do not work alone. I've tried. Medication, even small doses of the right medication, work wonders on helping a human function like they should. It shouldn't be a fight to be allowed to continue thriving. My doctor in California actually said "I don't want you to become dependent on these." I remember replying, "yea, because not feeling terrified would be an addicting feeling." Her expression was bewildered and she just muttered something about the opiod epidemic, which is NOT THE SAME. My anxiety medication is NOT an opiod. To equate the two is horrible.
Anyways, I wrote all this as a way of saying: Don't give up. Mental illness is real. Mental Disorders are real. Don't give up. You are valid. You deserve care and that includes self-care, meaning actual medical treatment. If you have to sort through doctors to find one that fits for you, well, I hope you have the privilege to do so because I know that's not a guarantee in the US, and being in remote areas can make therapy hard to access (trust the girl that lived above the 54th Parrallel in Manitoba for years) but you deserve care. Fight for yourself because others won't always. Don't give up.
Maybe one day, you'll accomplish the one thing you've been dreaming of. For me achieviving my first dream (writing my novel) has just made my dreams grow bigger...
Love yourself as much as you love anything else. You deserve to feel hope and love, always. Be well.
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